From 14 Till 30

At 14, I didn’t know why I was this attracted to the rain. I did not understand why it made me want to cry and still stare at the cascading water for hours together. It made me very depressive, still I did it. The thunder and the lightening scared me. The paper boats got crumpled in my hand, while waiting for the thunder and rain to subside, so that I could let my dream boat sail. Little did I know at 14 that it is going to drown anyway, even without thunder and lightning.

At 18, I was massively fascinated by rain. Continued to stare into the falling sheets of water and think of love, the face of the man I was crushing on. I thought of him and walking with him under one umbrella, without umbrella, didn’t matter. All the romantic films and songs played through my mind, sly smiles escaping my lips, every now and then. I turn and look around, is someone watching me? I don’t want to be caught. The shy blush, the fire in my eyes, the burn in my gut, ah! The lovely sentiments of the young and the naïve.

22. Now, that’s the peak of romance. I am in love. Definitely in love. Sleepless nights. No hunger. A feverish thrill runs through my spine in anticipation for the morning where I can see him, anticipation of the night where I can whisper into his ears, look at the moon and relive the feel of his lips on mine, anticipation of the dreams where skin meets the skin, breath mingles with each other. We plan our life, vacation, marriage in matching costumes, name our future kids and make retirement plans. All the while watching the rain, dancing in the rain, soaking in the feeling called love. The water penetrating my skin, making me more than wet, the lightening blazing through me. I am in foreign country, cocooned in familiar feelings, drinking in the new sights and smells. By the time I was 29, this happened a couple of times with different people. The novelty of new sights decreasing each time, rushing like never before to get back home. But home was so far that I am yet to reach. I am trapped in a foreign country, a displaced citizen, abandoned by all familiar people, uninteresting for new people, leaving me not even a refugee.

Now standing at the threshold of 30, the max I do is peek outside the window if it is raining. Shut all the windows and curtains and get lost under the duvet, and sleep. Alone. I stare back at the lightening. It hides behind the clouds as soon as it slithers out. Thunder barks and retreats. Rain washes, without cleansing. I can smell the arousal of earth, pulling the water deeper into her core, I turn away and close my eyes.

Then, it is then that the self-depreciating thoughts appear as uninvited company and keep me warm with tears and regrets and hurting memories. I have exhausted the reserves of romance and hope. No more peaks to scale in love, only fall in the deep abyss of loss.



Red. Pink. Crimson. Black. Green.

The shades of desire are many.

So what if I have a few scars…

The depth of my desire is the same as yours.

My blush is as Red as it is Violet.

What is yours?

In response to the Daily Prompt: Blush

From Your Heart

My dear,

It is not getting easier, is it? With each passing day, it’s getting harder and harder. The weight is more than I can bear, more than you can carry. Some days are a bit better than the others, most of the days are more difficult than the others, and the others days are somewhere in between better and worse. I hear you, day in and day out. The silence inside you is sometimes deafening. Your laughter is sometimes just a noise. It kills me to hear your hollow words, to see the love inside you left to rust. I carry this burden along with you, my girl. I am right there along with you. Like you, it’s been so long that I’ve forgotten what it is to be free and light. My autopilot mode might just crash anytime, thought I might as well give you a fair warning, before it’s too late. The broken pieces of yourself you discard, to make it easier for me, are not enough anymore. The space it leaves are taken up by the festering despair faster than a bolt of lightning.

Baby, this poison is spreading. I am dying. At least it feels like it. I am sure this is not called living. I hate to tell all this to you, something that you already know. It’s killing me as much as it is killing you. In case, if one fine day, I cannot muster enough strength to beat for you, I want you to understand that I tried. I gave you my best. It’s is hard to beat, it’s harder to let go too. I want you to know that all your efforts were appreciated. Everything. When you threw out every unfulfilled dream, wish and unrequited love and tried pull me out of the ventilator to a normal life, I knew that you were trying your damnest for me. But sometimes the world becomes too mean to live in. It pokes and bullys you. And you cannot be mean back at it. Because that is not who you are. And I love you for that. Baby, you are a tough nut. Just not the toughest.

I am not giving up yet. I know you are not either. Admitting your weakness is not admitting failure. So that is what I am doing now. I am right now at my lowest. I hope to hell that this is just a phase and I will bounce back and there is still more fight left in you.

Love, let’s make a promise to each other, to let it all out — the pain, the disappointment, the misery and everything that draws blood from your soul. It will take time, but you’ll get there. I know. Let’s be each other’s hero in this world of villains. I promise you, the millionth sigh that leaves your chest will not be of sorrow but will be of contentment. Start counting and make every breath count. We rely on each other, you know that right… Your strength is my strength. Your will is mine. You live and live, I live and you live. We need each other. Now more than ever.

Cry. It’s okay. Don’t be ashamed of your tears. Beyond the river of tears is a smile that sparkles like a crystal. It’s gonna blind so many sweetheart, you wait and watch. Till you reach the end, just keep going. Keep breathing. I’ll keep beating.
Lots of love,
Your Heart!
PS: All the heart beats are praying for you. Don’t give up.

In response to Daily Prompt: Noise

The Right People

Sometimes in life you find yourself in the middle of a strange group of people… And yet you know you are with the right set of people… Who knows your each emotion like their own… Who hears your heart like they hear their own… And those people are called friends…

Once in a lifetime friends…

It doesn’t matter if you spend only mere days with them… The feelings and connection last a lifetime… And memories? The memories last more than a lifetime.

Right now, I am right in the middle of such a group, and I can’t, for the love of God, find enough tragedy in me to write or even think bleak thoughts and stories. And I am too busy having fun and talking and enjoying the moment to sit and write about it…

All I hope is that my dear readers, you too find such friends and happiness…

My prayers for you…

Your Choice

That’s the last drop of wine in my glass…

I thought you would like to claim it…

Or would you like to taste it from my lips, on my tongue…

It’s really your choice.

I Run. I Run. I Run.


Away and far away from this world
Into an imaginary country of fictitious people
I run. I run. I run.
I succumb to its fierce unnatural beauty
I hold my breath and give in
To the emotions I deny myself
Especially, those I crave
I look for a heart that pulls me in, draws me in
And refuse to let me out
I look for a pair of eyes to happily drown in them
To pour my own passion into those magical orbs
Boldly steal the glint in them, make it my own.
To stake my claim
Like no one before me, like no one will after me
I yearn to feel.
Finally, to feel to the last cell in my body.

The blaring city horns wakes me up
A vendor’s cry fall on my ears
I fall in a pothole on my road
A pit of dirty water
Well, I can relate to that…
Is it any wonder that I didn’t see it?
Did I feel it? Nope, not at all.
Numb to the last cell in my body.
So I try to restart myself.
Maybe, life will rev up and flow through my vein
Black emptiness will give way to blue life once again
But oh, I forgot, I lost the key to myself.
Sometime back.
I need something sharp to break into and start Life.

I wonder if I am living a doomed life
Or dying a cursed death
To be alone
To feel borrowed emotions
Doomed to live
Sucking the love of imaginary strangers.
And fleeing from real life individuals.

A Good Morning, I Guess…

I knew they wouldn’t understand. I did not expect them to. Only another person who has gone through what I have will understand why I refuse to take legal actions.

While Kiran with his sharp eyes tried to reason and explain, inspire and encourage me, Khaki Pants was extremely expressive and loud about his opinion, shouting and pacing the room, interrupting Kiran every now and then. If Khaki Pants could open my head and pour boiling hot sense into it so that it would settle into every idiotic pore inside me, he would have done that. What he didn’t know was that I can be stubborn. I knew this day would come. I did not avoid Ralph and all other men and relationships without reason. I did it because I knew he will chase me down and make insane connections and deductions about people around me. I did not want anyone else to be damaged from their contact with him. I am already damaged, it didn’t matter what he did to me. But, at least, I could save others.

I agree, kidnapping and attempted assault is a serious criminal offence and I know that they do not really need my permission to file the case. But it will not lead to the desired end without my support. There is no twist here. I do not have the courage and strength to confront Ralph again. I expended all of myself in surviving the disaster that was Ralph. One more and I will simply be blown into pieces. I was not exactly listening intently to the lecture of these two men. I knew what they would say. I have to be strong and raise my voice against crime, have faith in the law. There are many who will benefit blah blah and blah…

Suddenly Khaki Pants’ words penetrated my trance and woke me up.

“You are a coward.” He was angry and his words burned me like red-hot iron.

What did he know? How dare he? Who was he to call me a coward? It was now my turn to be angry.

“ENOUGH. STOP IT BOTH OF YOU.” I screamed. I felt the blood heat behind my eyes and my cheeks burn and fingers tremble and my heart race. I was right. They will never understand.

“You don’t know anything okay. Stop acting all righteous and perfect gentlemen. I am grateful to you and will be indebted to both of you as long as I breathe for saving my honor and life, for saving me from Ralph. But, filing a case will not solve the issues. IT WON’T KEEP HIM AWAY. YOU DON’T KNOW RALPH. You don’t try to close a fuming and ready to erupt volcano. You avoid it okay. And it is not cowardice. It is wisdom. Experience of being burnt and singed badly. But you won’t understand. YOU WON’T. EVER.”

“You do not know how many days and nights I have drowned in abuse for inane things and comments. You do not know how many hours I have spent praying to avoid any conflict that will abuse and insult me. You do not know the lengths I have gone to hide and avoid some innocent female from his assaulting judgements just for pillion riding on a friend’s bike. I have hidden in university library when I could not take his poisonous words anymore. Every word he said hurt me physically, tore me into pieces. I could not understand why he behaved like that. I did not know how to escape. Every time I tried, he made me feel so guilty and so worthless.

He made it all my fault. Its cloudy today, my fault. Its sunny today, my fault. The bike won’t start, my fault. There is no balance in phone, my fault. THE FOOD IS NOT GOOD, THE TEA IS COLD, THERE IS NO MONEY FOR BOOZE, HE IS NOT ABLE TO SLEEP, THE CLASS IS BORING—IT. IS. ALL. MY. FAULT. You do not know how malicious and vengeful Ralph can be. He will be the perfect gentleman during the day and turn into a beast and whisper hateful and debasing words into your ears at night. He will weave a magic web of charming words and trap you and you wouldn’t know what hit you. Without using a single object, he will maim you. It took me years to identify this strategy and still more years to break free. I do not want to cross paths with Ralph anywhere. Not in real, not in dreams, not accidentally, not deliberately. So legally is definitely out of question. OUT OF QUESTION.”

Khaki Pants was looking at me warily and with dazed eyes. I went and stood right in front of him and said, “Don’t you dare dude, don’t you dare call me a coward when you don’t understand the first thing about me and the things I have survived. Okay?” It came out in an eerily hollowed voice, heavy with secrets, hurt and many other unnamed emotions.

It would have looked funny to anyone from outside. I was tiny in front of these men. But right now, I felt like I was looming above them, and indomitable. I felt like I have expanded and grown ten times. Such was my rage and hurt. It was then, staring up into the eyes of Khaki Pants, that the traitor tears entered my eyes, draining out my anger and strength, drilling holes into me and pouring out my pride. I was shrinking again.

Inside my head I was screaming. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to be weak. Not now. Not in front of them, not like this. My body hurt. My heart ached. I want to go home. I want someone to hold me. I want someone to tell me that it is okay, I understand. Not bellow their opinions on me. I want space. I want time. These men, as much as the good souls they were, they had no idea how to handle my sorrows and wounded self. So, once again, I steel myself into the tough person I have to be, ignore the tears and I walk out of the room.

This time it was Kiran who caught up with me, not Khaki Pants.

“I am sorry about that Indira. We were not really tactful in there. My bad. But I want you to think, reconsider… I cannot keep Ralph in custody for more than 24 hours. We still have some hours left. I want you to rethink your decision and inform me. Unlike what you think, I do have an idea of what you are going through now. I am no stranger to victims like you and assailants like Ralph. And having seen Ralph at the garage and later at the station, I must say, he is not an easy person to handle. That is another reason that I want you to be brave, once again, and come forward to file the FIR.”

Victim. In one word he just summarized everything. My life of past so many years. His words made me alert, afraid and brave at the same time. Maybe this is the fight or flight condition. But I didn’t say anything. Kiran continued, “Is there anyone I can call for you? We found your ID card on the road yesterday night itself. It is with Shaurya. We have informed your company and also your roommate.”

Alarm coursed through my veins and bones. What have they informed at the office?

“Indira, relax. Don’t look so worried. We just mentioned that we got the ID card from the road and needed to contact the person or someone who can contact the owner of the ID. Shaurya was the one who called. So it’s okay. Relax.”

That’s him again. Insightful and careful. Then why did he act like an inconsiderate and unforgiving brute inside?

“A lady named Sharmishta is coming to pick you up. We told her that you met with an accident. We didn’t want to alarm her either. It was Shaurya again who spoke. For some reason, he wanted the final decision to be made by you. That is why we didn’t get involved. ”

I bowed my head in confusion. What does he want? I can’t understand his intentions.

“Where am I, Kiran? What is this place? Is this some kind of clinic?”

It was Khaki Pants who answered from behind me. “This is my consulting clinic.”

Consulting clinic? What does that mean? Is there a separate treatment clinic?

Khaki Pants smiled, like he couldn’t help himself. I looked at Kiran and he was also shaking his head and smiling, without really giving in to the smile. What?

Khaki Pants was now standing close behind me and said to Kiran, “You can leave. I’ll take care of her. Keep that bastard behind the bars as long as you can and even after he is out, watch him closely. He is a dangerous man.”

“Got it, Shaurya, give me a call if there is anything. Indira, please think hard but not too long about what I said. I’ll leave now. Take care.”

I turned to face Khaki Pants, “What were you laughing about? What was so funny?”

“You haven’t realized it yet?”

“Can’t you just tell me? Why do I have to play games and guess?”

“Okay, okay, relax angry bird. You were thinking aloud again. This is a consulting and treatment clinic together. Do you have any more doubts?”

“Are you a doctor?”

“No. I think myself as a healer. This is my counseling clinic.”

Oh boy, not that. Please… Ughhh… Not counseling and understanding shit…

“Don’t worry. I am not going to do it for you. At least, not in the clinical sense.”


“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes. I do.”

“I’ll tell you. On one condition.” He leaned in and touched his forehead to mine, hands on my hips.

Confused about everything that’s happening with me, I couldn’t help but take an involuntary step back from Khaki Pants. He seemed to not like the distance between us and filled it immediately by coming closer. I am nothing but a bundle of mutinous desires and complex conflicts. There is so much to think about and process, so many decisions to be made, explanations to be given. But here I am refusing the world and standing in the arms of a stranger. Does this make me a whore? Is this what Ralph was talking about all the time? Was I being a loose woman? No… No… Don’t think like that Indira. Oh god, where have I landed myself in?

“Stop calling me Khaki Pants.”


“Is that too much to ask? To stop calling me Khaki Pants.”

I giggled. I actually giggled.

“Say my name, Indira… Call me by name and I am all yours…” His voice was laced with an emotion I didn’t recognize. Anguish. Concern. A desperate need. Affection. What was it?

“Shaurya…?” It came out like a whispered question.

His hands tightened on my hips and my palms lay open on his chest. I felt he was feeling more than he showed. There was thunder and a storm raging inside his heart and I didn’t have to strain hard to hear it’s rumblings outside. We were standing that close. I looked up to him and tried again more confidently, “Shaurya…”

He closed his eyes and started talking.

“I thought I would kill him yesterday. After my boys saw a girl was being chased, they called me and Kiran immediately. Till I entered the garage, I didn’t think it could be someone I knew. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be you. But there you were, struggling, smeared with grease and dirt, screaming and crying.

And then by God, Indira, you ran. I didn’t know how to get to you. I was terrified that if I came, you would fight me too. It took all my will power to leave Ralph behind without tearing him into pieces. You stumbled and fell and I lost all control. I could breathe only after you were safe in my arms. The terror in your eyes, Christ, will haunt me till my last breath. It took five years off my life. Do you know? Do you…? Memories of our first night together were still fresh in my memory and then I saw you yesterday, Indira… I am only sorry that I couldn’t be there earlier.”

“Shaurya… I… I don’t…. I mean… Thank you…” I am not sure he heard my thanks and he continued.

“You saw me but didn’t see me, didn’t recognize me. Then you fainted in my arms. My clinic was the nearest and I brought you here. I was trying to clean you up and every time I touched a tender spot, you whimpered, and you did that a lot. I was so afraid to touch you, so scared that I was hurting you more. At last I sedated you. I wanted you to be free of pain at least for some time. You cried all the time Indira… Even unconscious… I was helpless… powerless.”

Shaurya was in a different state. I have never known another person who understood and lived my distress along with me. Instinctively, I hugged him and rested my head on his chest which was still beating wildly. It was not just me. Somehow, I felt that there was more to this empathy than my assault. But that can wait. I had to be the stronger one now so that later he could be the stronger one for me.

Somewhere in the corner of my mind I marveled at my composure too. Am I the same person that Ralph had reduced to nothing yesterday? Or was I just denial. Will the real shock engulf me in a tsunami later when I am on my own? Was I still expecting something to go wrong? Was that the reason behind my alertness?

“Kiran came back from the station and told me about Ralph’s calm demeanor and silence. Anger like I never knew before was building inside me. I never contemplated that you would be so scared to not pursue legally. I shouldn’t have pushed you.” He was now crushing me in his arms. But this pain was a balm to my wounded heart. That care and concern, I was in fact, relishing in it.

“Indira, I forgot, totally forgot, all reason, experience, professionalism. There was only you. And you were hurt. Your outburst is exactly what I need. Your words and Kiran’s observation just confirm what I already knew. But I never thought you woudn’t want to file… Ralph is a mentally deranged person, Indira. He needs to be put behind the bars. You must be careful. I understand your struggle and reluctance better now. But it is not easy at all Indira. To sit back and wait and watch.

You must also understand that I am not leaving you alone. Not now. Not ever. I am going to make you stronger and the most confident woman ever. Professionalism be damned. ”