Recently, I have realized that I do not really miss anybody. There is no one I want to be with, that I cannot aboslolutely be without. There are no days or periods like school or college or childhood that I would like to go back to. There have been many fiascos, wrong choices. But still, I dont feel like going back and changing anything, not a person, a tear or a smile. Even the wrong ones. Even those days when I cried like it was my own funeral. Friends. Family. Everyone has been so great with me. I couldn’t ask for more. But the emptyness of my life is gnawing inside me. I want something. I am yearning for it, waiting for it. For whatever it is. A thousand and more I love you’s and I miss you’s, laughter and winks, heartbeats that supposed to be missed amd so many little miracles that I don’t know the names of are dying on my lips, decaying in my soul. The space reserved for loving others is being encroached by loss and lonliness.
I mean, I am really afraid of myself right now… There is too much darkness in and around me. A magnet for depression. A target for mood swings. And everytime, it hits the bulls eye. I am hundreds of light years far from myself.
I think I scare the living daylights out of Me.