I am Sorry… Or Am I?

A forced apology, a half hearted apology, apologising for a somebody else’ mistake, a namesake apology, a genuine apology… We all have an incident to quote for these scenarios… Of all the lessons I have learnt so far in my life, the most important one is about being sorry… 

If said genuinely, if felt deeply; there is no another powerful sentiment that heals the heart so thoroughly…. You need to say only once, sometimes even that is not necessary… You will be forgiven… 

If said non-commitedly, if the word is empty and yet full of lies; there is nothing in this world more capable of shattering the heart… No matter how many times you say it, it still lacks soul and tastes bitter… 

If somebody apologises for their mistake, with everything they have, with every last tear and heartbeat, do not still blame them… And punish them… Its does not make the mistake magically insignificant. Agreed. But it makes space in your heart to tolerate, make peace with the disappointment and find the courage to trust again. It is a promise to not to repeat the mistake ever again. 

The biggest trap of all is when one feels sorry for oneself. Self blame, abysmmal self esteem, self depreciating… Lots of ugly words describe that particular feeling where you are sorry that you are alive. Its a cage with the lock inside and the strongest to break free. Any number of helping hands can reach out through the bars… They can hit and push and scream from the otherside. They tell you to do this, to do that, and then some more. But its you who have to stand up and walk out of the cage. 

Pretty words. All. So easy to say… 

But its so tough. Blaming oneself is never easy, and yet, sometimes it is the only solution you have to the problem at hand. Asking for forgiveness is also tough because sometimes you deserve not to be forgiven. 

Its so difficult to forgive sometimes. I am not an angel. Does that make me heartless? Does it make me a bad person? I have spent years apologising for a mistake that is not wholly mine. Does that make me someone pathetic and with no pride? 

I no longer know if I feel sorry for myself or not. I made a mistake. I bled, burned and begged for your forgiveness. What was so lacking in them… I dont know why it was never enough. I no longer understand for what I kept apologising to you. I no longer know for what you kept punishing me for so long. 

I don’t know what I am trying to say here either… I am sorry… 

But am I? 

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