I know I should delete the chat. I don’t really understand the perverse pleasure I get when I see his different profile pictures and statuses. But everytime I click on the settings, I just can’t bring myself to delete it forever.
The conversation is more than two years old. Its nothing but a christmas wish and a few emojis. But still…
This chat at the bottom of the list is my last connection with him and the only window to his life. And I look at it atleast 6 times a day… sometimes it doesn’t change for weeks, otherdays it changes twice a day.
Over the past two years, I have watched him change, travel, make new friends, smile and pose, yawn and jump and sip water, and also seen a girl who could be his new girlfriend… In these two years, I have shared a part of his life without even him knowing.
I know its pointless. I am holding on to nothing. I don’t want him to come back. I don’t want to go back to him either. Its no longer love. But to sever all the ties, and to wonder where and what and how he is… I felt I am not that strong yet. I know I will be free once I delete it, forever… Free from haunting memories and ghost conversations. But still….
This weakness scares me actually. I am the one who is shackling myself to the burden of the past. I know I cannot walk into the future if the weight of yesterday is dragging me behind.
But still I couldn’t… and I exit the messaging app without deleting, always.
And then my good friend threatened me to not to talk to her without deleting it. She has never said ‘please’ to me for anything. When she did say that magical word this time, I was touched by her concern and love for me. She wanted me to let go and move on. Only she knew how I was still entangled in the mess of my past.
Like that, after two years of saving the chat and viewing it for more than a thousand times, I deleted it. There, done!
Something which was so tough, I did it in a minute. This is why we have friends, I guess, to help you to take that one decision that could change your life, to tell you that that shade of lipstick looks aweful on you and to laugh silly over nothing and everything.
Thank you Rose and I love you… 😘