Blame Game

beadsbeads 1So today’s Daily Prompt is Criticize and nothing could have been more apt for me to write today.

Now if you think you could leave your job and go home and enjoy some peace and quiet, pursue life goals and also have some ‘me time’ then you are absolutely wrong. Well, I was. When I had a tight and jam packed schedule, reports and work to be done, I always found time to write or engage in something that made me feel better. Now I don’t know where my time is disappearing. Now I struggle to gather my thoughts together. My vocabulary is at an all time low. No ideas no creativity. I am dragging and stretching and killing stories. I have been sitting with an image of a photo prompt for two days now and I can’t write down one single sentence that somebody might find worth reading. To think that couple of months back I was dreaming of writing a book… Huh… its really funny…

I am disappointed in myself. Was this a wrong decision at the wrong time? Was I foolish to let go off the steady job I had? Already my life was going downhill, now its totally out of control. I don’t know but something is taking away chunks from my day and I am left with nothing for myself. Though there are lots of things happening, I don’t know how to put them in words. Inside my head looks like a floor scattered with many tiny colorful beads, which will take forever to sit and pick up.

I gave up my job because I wanted to appear for a highly competitive exam in this coming June. I joined a coaching class after paying a bomb as fees. But my mind is all over the place. I am totally unable to study. I have never watched YouTube before like I do now a days. I have never day dreamed before like I do now a days. Just spend the whole day lazy and dream that I pass the test because of some windfall and how successful I will become soon. But in reality, I am not lifting a bloody page of a book and reading. A whole set of indiscipline and lack of motivation, failure at following my own decision is gnawing at my conscience, yet I can’t find the strength to pick up myself.

I am nearing thirty and I can’t believe it myself. Earlier it was only me panicking that I was not getting married. Since a love marriage did not seem to be on the cards for me, I finally agreed for arranged marriage. And lo! There are no guys that fit the bill for me. And another ten different things are wrong with my horoscope and stars. I am over qualified on the educational front. The guys are either too old or very young or are far away from my native. My parents are totally against sending me off somewhere far. All my brothers and sisters and cousins found their better half themselves. I totally sucked at finding even a quarter of a person. Whoever I liked, they didn’t like me. Whoever liked me, I didn’t like. When we both liked each other, the stars had a problem. The person whom I would like to have in my life now has a girlfriend. Also, as much as the Crush and the Saga was real, I cannot imagine spending a life with him. That was an impossibility from the beginning.  Dead end.

I am not going to get any younger. So my close relatives- aunts and uncles, and parents come to the ancestral house on most weekends and panic together. They analyze and criticize and blame me and the stars and the guys and anything else that they choose on that particular day. Once they leave, I start to panic. My system breaks down. I shut down and isolate from everybody and everything. Really, I have no idea where my life is going.

Like that was not enough… my friends who were not married till now, who were preaching freedom and independence, are getting married, that too atleast four of them in the next three months. They talk about how they have found love and the perfect person to spend their life, how they support each other’s dreams. While I am happy for them, very happy, I am drowning further and deeper in my own despair. Where did it go wrong? They all suggest me to ‘let go and fall in love’. As if it was that easy…! Duh… If only they knew how I searched…

There are few more heartaches and headaches along with all these.
But all in all, as of now, I am the loser here.
All because of some wrong decisions I took a few years ago which are beyond confessions and corrections.
All because I let someone else make the decisions of my life…
All because, I didn’t stand up for myself.

Usually by the end of venting out, I see a little silver lining in the dark clouds hovering in my mind.

But today even that is elusive.

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