The Lost & Found Spirit 22

drowning

“My dear Scarlett… I don’t know when you became so dear… I don’t know when you became My dear….

Actually, I don’t know when was the last time I called anybody ‘my dear’. I never stopped to watch life unfold around me… I knew only graphs, dollars, pounds, and numbers. Life seems to have so many shades, levels and ups and downs, quirks and tweaks… Yet a perfect circle in freehand drawing. Seeing you live – actually live – with smiles, tears, tension, worries, fear, doubts, laugh, fun, work, excitements and all the other crazy things you do, I want a chance to live too.

Your enthusiasm is infectious. Your madness is adorable. Your effort to face life bravely, as and how it comes, is so admirable. You don’t ask for an easy life… Just strength… You cuss and you nag, you hate being confused and yet you admit to your confusions, you like perfections, but you agree that everything cannot be made perfect. Yet you try, with the last bit of your soul… you always give your best… Your flaws are beautiful.

You fight your own demons with your own methods and defeat them. But you know they’ll rise from the dead, you accept the fact that it is simply the way of life… And you’ll be ready to face them again…” Although Tristan could not stop smiling when he said that, his heart was heavy.

“But right now, it hurts, to remain helpless and watch you cry. I wish I could help… I wish I could hold you and absorb the cold shivers in your body. I wish I could make you cozy and warm and forget all about the world outside and the maniacs there. I wish I could kiss away your tears, calm down your racing heart, and whisper sweet nothings into your ears.

I wish I could beat the living day lights of the guy whoever dared to hurt you… I wish I could drag him down to your feet…

All far, far too romantic, I know… Who would have guessed I had such a terrible romantic and chivalrous Knight inside me?  Who would have guessed I would dream of red roses and poetry? Who would have thought that I was capable of such tender feelings and patience? Who would have thought my heart could love so? No one. Not a soul in this whole world. Not me, not my mother or father, not anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me.

I want many things. I want you. I want you to tell me all your fears and anxieties, stupid and real ones. I want to listen to them and draw them out of your mind until there is nothing heavy in your heart. I want to be one from whom you draw strength. I want to be the reason you laugh. I want to be the one to whom you run to share your best and the worst moments.

Selfish? I know… but I can’t help it…

I have told you before also and I am telling you once again. I did not have a kind bone in my body. I did not have the softest of the heart. It was stone cold. It was rock hard. But somehow, a seed of life has sprouted and is growing within me. I wish this seed will get a chance to grow into a tree of life. I want you to be the fruit of this tree, the flower and the root, the air and the water, the sky above and the earth below. I want you to be the life within the tree. Only if you knew how I crave this second chance…”

“But my hands are lifeless. My legs are nothing but strokes of a paint brush. Everything is static. A sea without waves is my reality. No fragrance. No sunlight. No stars. No hunger. No thirst. No life. Like you said, I am afraid this will be the last thing I might experience in this life. I can’t even scream for help. No one is going to come to save me. And you have no idea how much I am afraid. It hurts like hell… I am terrified…”

“I know I am responsible for the loss of Allan’s life. I am responsible for the pain and fears and worries of many many lives. They dread me. I am a terror, their worst nightmare… I know I deserve this feeling of captured and tortured animal. I know I deserve this feeling of being at the mercy of others, of not knowing what is going to happen to me, of not knowing will I have tomorrow or not and of having too many tomorrows…

I don’t know what future has written for me. For us. Will I have to watch you love someone else, grow old and die? Will I be replaced with a newer painting as you husband or kids give you new gifts? Will I be sold? Burnt? Thrown up in the attic?

But the romantic in me is trying to believe in happy endings. Didn’t the Beast finally find love and life?

And this 21st century Beast, wishes more than ever to come alive, if only for a moment, to tell you, Scarlett Williams, of how grateful I am. Of all the billions of people who could have bought the painting, it was you. You taught me to love, to try and to forgive. Sometimes the most important person in need for forgiveness is one’s own self.  You are no heroine out of a book with perfect character, habits and the all the best of the features. But you are my Hero.

I wish I could stand in front of you… alive and breathing the same air as you…
I wish you would look at me and recognize…

More than ever, I wish, I could just… at least once…”

And then he sighed… a heavy heartfelt deep genuine and painful sigh with every single particle of his soul… wishing that Scarlett heard…

The Lost & Found Spirit 21

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