“You can deny to the whole world that you do not need anybody, but not to yourself. The I-dont-give-a-damn-to-feelings attitude is a desperate cry, a push and a shove at the wall you have created on your own, a wall you do not know how to bring down. The jam-packed appointment schedule, the constant travel or movement, the company of impersonal people – you resort to anything to fill the emptiness in your life. Somewhere along you succeed in work, you accomplish important milestones, but then, there is no one to share the success with.”
Scarlett could not stop herself. This soliloquy was almost therapeutic. She did not want this night to come again. She did not want to think all these again. Better let it all the filthy self-loath feelings and apprehension out than allow the wound to fester more.
“You search for that somebody who will bring you peace in everybody. You go from one place to another in search of that place where your heart settles.”
“You shout, you get angry, you talk only business and nothing else. Why? They think you are professional, practical, ambitious. These are nothing but facades to protect your vulnerable self from the burning hurt. There are far too many people like this. There is a lone self inside everybody. Everyone relates to this feeling. Yet, we all fall short of giving and getting that comfort. Is it because you want too much? Or is it because you don’t have enough to give?”
“Every one says, you should just forgive. How do you do that? Just forgive? The worst kind of loss is when you know that things were better once, when you watch the degeneration of hope and happiness everyday, when you see only gloom and doom where you once saw life and dream…How are you supposed to forgive the person responsible for that, just like that?”
“There are lives worse than this. There is pain more deep than this. Me, saying all this, may sound ridiculous to someone else. But that doesn’t make it less easier for me to endure.”
“So tonight, I give in to self-pity, weakness and misery. But tomorrow, you will see no shadow of this on me. I am no super human being. My heart is not big and accommodating as the earth and the universe. Maybe one day I will forgive. I will understand why my mother needed to stand with him and not her daughter. Maybe one day I too will take that leap of faith with someone I care for. Maybe one day I will take the risk of being loved and being in love. Maybe one I will believe in miracles.
“Till that day, the daughter will alone.”
Lying back on the floor, in the pool of shimmering moonlight, she talked more and finally Scarlett fell asleep like that on the floor, in between her words, unaware of the ears that absorbed everything she said.