For the Better or For the Worse

I did not wait to meet Kabir yesterday. I could not decide. So like a coward, I fled the office before six in the evening and I didn’t even bother to message him. But he did message, which I did not reply. He called, again I did not answer. I was worried that he would have jumped into the worst conclusions. But I was even more scared what I would say or ask him, if we talked. I wouldn’t be polite. Definitely judgemental. My mind was in chaos.

After a few hours, after thinking of every single option on what could possibly happen, every question and answer, and all possible scenarios were scrutinized in my mind, I started to feel guilty. I shouldn’t have run. I could have asked Kabir directly and get it done with. He may feel bad but it would be better than ignoring him or denying him a chance for explanation. What if there was a different side to all these mumbo-jumbo?

So I decided I will wait for him today and get the raw truth out of him, for the better or for the worse.

******

In between all these I had to take a major decision as well. I have quit my job. This was giving me more headaches than people and damn traffic. I believe I can do better than this. I feel I am sitting in this corner, with moss slowly creeping over me. I am looking forward for some peaceful time and lazy days so that I can explore myself and my creativity.

******

In the cafeteria as I was discussing this decision with my friend Raji, I saw the Hero walk in. He sat in a nearby table where I can see him without obstacles.

With my job, this long distance relationship is also going to come to an end. My new-found affinities had taken me away from him. I feel I was not loyal to my crush. Maybe it was better that I put a period for this obsession as well.

In another 30 days, my life is going to change a lot. I’ll be moving in with my sister to a different city. Now I have only one thing in my mind, clear any misunderstandings with Kabir and maybe tell this Hero that I had a crush on him. Long time back. Or do I have it still now? Am I afflicted with a chronic crush syndrome?

I need to tell him. Of all those secret longing… He should know… Even though nothing comes out of it… He has to know… for the better or for the worse…

The Crushing Saga