I did not wait to meet Kabir yesterday. I could not decide. So like a coward, I fled the office before six in the evening and I didn’t even bother to message him. But he did message, which I did not reply. He called, again I did not answer. I was worried that he would have jumped into the worst conclusions. But I was even more scared what I would say or ask him, if we talked. I wouldn’t be polite. Definitely judgemental. My mind was in chaos.
After a few hours, after thinking of every single option on what could possibly happen, every question and answer, and all possible scenarios were scrutinized in my mind, I started to feel guilty. I shouldn’t have run. I could have asked Kabir directly and get it done with. He may feel bad but it would be better than ignoring him or denying him a chance for explanation. What if there was a different side to all these mumbo-jumbo?
So I decided I will wait for him today and get the raw truth out of him, for the better or for the worse.
In between all these I had to take a major decision as well. I have quit my job. This was giving me more headaches than people and damn traffic. I believe I can do better than this. I feel I am sitting in this corner, with moss slowly creeping over me. I am looking forward for some peaceful time and lazy days so that I can explore myself and my creativity.
In the cafeteria as I was discussing this decision with my friend Raji, I saw the Hero walk in. He sat in a nearby table where I can see him without obstacles.
With my job, this long distance relationship is also going to come to an end. My new-found affinities had taken me away from him. I feel I was not loyal to my crush. Maybe it was better that I put a period for this obsession as well.
In another 30 days, my life is going to change a lot. I’ll be moving in with my sister to a different city. Now I have only one thing in my mind, clear any misunderstandings with Kabir and maybe tell this Hero that I had a crush on him. Long time back. Or do I have it still now? Am I afflicted with a chronic crush syndrome?
I need to tell him. Of all those secret longing… He should know… Even though nothing comes out of it… He has to know… for the better or for the worse…