Ohh god its morning…she groaned and tried to open her eyes. Charles is already up and preparing breakfast. That makes her smile. But she is uncomfortable. She is feeling queasy. Its like something is tossing and turning in her stomach. She wondered, should I be worried? Its normal at this time right. Every morning she feel a different kind of uncomfort. Maybe that.
She walks into the kitchen. Charles is arranging breakfast. He has even cleaned the kitchen. Wow… that’s a first. He is getting better at this. She walks in and hugs him from behind. How her face settles on shoulders. Mmmmmm…..A content sigh escapes her. She feels better almost immediately.
“Morning beautiful. How are you today?”He turns around and helps her to hop on to the kitchen counter. He leans forward to her and plants a soft kiss on her forehead. “Not good? Morning sickness again?”
“Not much. Just the usual queasy-peasy. I’ll be fine. I just need to get used to the morning. It came far too early today. Aaargghhhh…!”
He laughs and shakes his head. How she loves his smile and the blush on his cheeks. He must be the only man who blushes when he laughs. “Come on sleeping beauty. We need to go to office. You can love me from there also.”
Both of them get ready in-between caresses and laughter and teasing and loving and full throat singing and hugging and loving. On the way to office she thought working in the same office has its advantages.
Ouch!Something just pulled inside her stomach. She looked up at Charles. He is trying to park the car. She thought, “Now, I am little worried. I don’t know if this is worth panicking. But its definitely not good. What should I do?”
“Hey, you okay? Wanna go home?” Charles asked. His voice is laced with concern and care. She shakes her head. ” Nothing. I am fine. A little nauseous. Must be the travel. I ll be fine once I reach the office.”
“Are you sure? You look pale. And, I don’t like the look in your eyes.”
“No honey. I am fine. Really.”
He doesn’t look convinced. But lets go. He puts his hand around her and she leans into him. Until she met him, she didn’t believe one could love like this also. Both have been hurt before. Love was not kind to them before. Now that they have found it again, they are ever so careful. Not to hurt each other. Just love. Unconditionally. Happiness will follow.
He walks with her to the seat. Friends all around saying hi and good mornings. Its another day in office. He looks at her. Though he doesn’t ask aloud, she can hear the question in his mind. She tries to convince him, “Darling, I am fine. It happens to almost all the pregnant ladies in the world. It will pass. You are here with me. That’s more than enough for me. Go to work. I ll see you later. Promise”
Again he is not convinced. But she smiles and holds his hand. “I am okay. Really.”
He kisses her hands and says, “I ll come later.” And he went to his desk.
As she waits for the system to turn on, she is lost deep in thought. She realizes that there is nothing more she wants in this whole world, other than being with Charles. He was her sanctuary. Her safe haven. He is not a man of many words. He doesn’t say I love you much. But she knows that his every breath loves her. That he would do anything for her. That she was his life. And they were excited about the baby.
When she first told him about it, there were tears in his eyes. Lost for words to express his happiness, he had just held her for a long time, late into the night. That night, in his arms, she thought, sometimes, words cannot really contain so much of emotion. It needs the depth of the silence. That night was very special. For both of them. The feeling of being in love and loved brought them even more closer.
Slowly she came back to reality as the pain in her stomach got severe. “Maybe I should Google it.” She types into the search bar. But immediately deletes it. “No. Not a good idea. There will be too many things. All unnecessary and I’ll panic again. No need. I shouldn’t make a drama. It happens all the time to pregnant ladies. The doctor said so. Its okay. I am fine.”
She started her work. But she cant concentrate. “I should tell Charles.” She searches in the IM. He is in meeting. What do do now. “I ll take a walk. Maybe eat something.” The pain is now more constant in her abdomen. She walks slowly into the corridor. There is a balcony outside. “Open air and blue skies might distract me. Please God. Let it go away. Please…”
She stands outside for sometime. No, this is not helping. “I need to tell Charles. Now. I cant take it anymore. My baby…” There are tears in her eyes now. She can hardly stand now. Pain is throbbing now. “Damn. I didn’t take my phone. Please god, give me strength to reach his cabin. Please…”
Her knees buckle and feet give away. She is sweating. She is cold. She is shivering. She don’t even have the strength call out anyone. “No I cant faint. Please. I cant…”Her mind goes blank as faints on the floor.
Six hours later, she opens her eyes to bright light. She is in a hospital and there are blue gowned nurses and white coat doctors around her. Its all a blur. “What happened? Where is Charles?” There is no longer pain in her abdomen. She snaps open her eyes and screams, “NOOOO…”
“My baby? What happened? Where am I? What.. Where is Charles? Charles…”
The nurses try to calm her down. But she is not listening. Panic enters her once again, “No God.. please… please… please… no… Not this. Please…” The voice of a nurse reaches her…
“Madam, You are alright. Please don’t cry. Everything is fine. Relax. Be calm. Ohh dear.. don’t cry. Its okay.” She can feel the cool hands of the nurse on her forehead. It feels good. And she relaxes a little. The nurse is telling her to take deep breath. And she tries and counts her breath. One… Two..Three…Four… Slowly she drifts to sleep.
After another four hours she wakes up again. She feels very tired. Its difficult even to open her eyes. To breathe. Her heart feels heavy. So heavy. Her legs feels like lead. Cant move. She groans as a river of tears starts to flow from her eyes.
She feels something very light move on her hands. Like butterfly wings… like petals of roses… like the light breeze from a far away land… “Charles…”
It was all that took for him to let loose his grief. He climbed onto her bed and pulled her into his arms. She opened and eyes and looked at him. Wordlessly they both wept. Both of them died a little along with the miscarriage. They didn’t know how to cope with the loss. Both were more or less silent during their brief stay in the hospital. Silently giving courage to each other, willing each other to go on.
It was time to leave from the hospital. Charles had gone to keep their bags in the car and she waited for him in the corridor. Sitting there, she looked around. So many people, all ailing with some disease, some dangerous, some not so dangerous, some in pain… some in worse conditions. There are people who must have lost dear ones… while someone else might have got happy news. The loss, the pain, the grief… equal for all. Life has to go on. No guilt nor blame will give you peace. Life can be ruthless sometimes. All you have to do is man up and show life that you are tough too.
Charles is coming back to get her. He looks as if somebody has stolen the light from his eyes. Watching him she thinks, “Its not my loss alone. I can not grieve like this. He is my strength. But he also needs it as much as me. Or more than me, perhaps. I should be his support, as he is mine. We can go through this together. Because I love him.”
He sits on his haunches in front of her. Takes her hands and asks, “Ready?”
Not even once did he say, its okay. Because he knows it is not okay. For him and for her. That unspoken understanding, that both of them need time to heal and smile again, was overwhelming. In that moment, she fell in love with him, again. And she knew this is her forever.
She takes his face in her palms and kiss him on his forehead, on his eyes, on his lips. They stay like that together for a long moment. Feeling each others closeness and love. He carries her in his arms and walks out of the hospital. To start their life again. He whispers in her ears, “You must know, you mean the world to me. I would do anything for you.” She smile and settles deeper into his arms. And he knows that she loves him back, even more.