Panic attacks

scream

Panic attacks
Faster and faster they appear
For small and big things
From picking a phone call
To crossing the road
From accepting a compliment
To even taking long deep breath.

I thought I was healing
Leaving behind all the negativity
But it is like I walked right into the arms of misery
And the gates have closed behind me
Forever, never to open again.

I tell myself that I am bold.
I can do it
Don’t give up
All through, my heart thumps loud
Louder and Louder it gets
And I worry that my heart might give up before I do…
Before I escape.

Keep counting to ten, you’ll be relaxed.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7…
Not working!
Think about the things that made you happy…
Mmmm… Mmmm…Mmmmmmm…
Can’t think of anything now.
Not working…
Take deep breaths..
Impossible. I am panting and barely breathing…
This is not working either..
Meditation, prayers, music, sleep…
Nothing… Nothing is working..
And I panic more!

But here, I promise myself
That I will get out of this maze
Of this mess
And see the open skies again
Breathe life into myself
I will smile at flowers.. at strangers
And I will live peacefully
Even it is just for a moment…

After that…
I am ready to die…

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